The greatest improvement that the NBA has made in the past 10 years was putting Sir Charles Barkley on TV. I am more interested in the pregame, halftime, and postgame shows than I am the actual game now. Chas Barkley was one of the greatest players to ever play the game. It’s a shame that he doesn’t have a ring and Darko Milicic has one. Although Darko does have the greatest nickname of all time, The Human Victory Cigar, because once he gets in the game has already been decided. Back to Barkley, any guy that gets pulled over and tells the cop that he was in a hurry because he was about to get some oral sex has some big balls. If that same guy then tells the cop he will tattoo the cops name on his ass cheeks if he lets him go probably has even bigger balls. So you can assume that Charles Barkley has a massive nugget pouch, which makes must see TV.
Of all the former athletes that retire and go into broadcasting Charles is by far the greatest to ever do it. Bruce Bowen, not digging the bowtie. Chris Webber, I use to think if a sportscaster got high and did a story it would be hilarious, Webber has proved me wrong. Jalen Rose, terrible but he did make me laugh when he called out Christian Laettner. Tedy Bruschi, Didn’t like you when you played for the Pats and I don’t like you now. The cast of Sunday NFL Countdown, whoop rumblin tumblin whoop whoop, can’t understand any of it. I will say that former coaches make some of the best commentators. Bob Knight, Herm Edwards, and John Madden, no wait I take that back Madden is awful.
I don’t know why ESPN keeps hiring these guys. The NBA on ESPN gave us a slew of hilarious commercials but they also gave Van Gundy another job. I can live without the commercials but I can’t go on hearing Van Gundy’s voice and opinions (Disclaimer: I use to like ol Jeff before he jumped on the Heat bandwagon and then hearing him talk during this past year’s finals was brutal). I ask for very little and very easily accomplished things in life. What I am asking for this time would be the greatest NBA show ever, and here is how it would be done.
Keep Charles on the show. This should be a no brainer. He has proved himself to be an entertainer and very knowledgeable. Now before I keep naming people that would be must see TV I would also suggest keeping Kenny Smith. Smith is not the best reporter and a lot of people don’t like him. But you see he and Barkley have great chemistry and can real bounce ideas off each other. They have fun together and it makes me have fun watching them.
So who would join them? First on my list is another obvious choice, I would like to see Shaq on TV as much as possible. He is a giant little kid that loves the spotlight. But you can’t keep Shaq locked up in a studio like a lab rat, you gotta let him run free. This is why he is out in the field doing stories and interviewing other players. Who wouldn’t want to see him interview Kobe and ask him how his ass tastes in person. Every now and then Shaq could do a little sketch, maybe have him and Ben Wallace have a free throw shooting competition. But whatever Shaq does you can count on one thing, it’s going to be good.
Now the show needs someone who has no clue what they are talking about because Americans love watching a show and then telling everyone the next day how dumb so and so is. They like to feel like they have better opinions and explanations. This is why Joakim Noah would need to be part of this show. Is there anything that this guy does that people don’t think that they could do better, except for playing basketball he is actually pretty good at that. Remember when the Florida Gators won the SEC tournament how hype Noah got? Just bring that energy to the camera and you get the Real World meets Inside the NBA on TNT.
Finally, my dark horse, the one who will make the show, the guy that no one thought of to put on TV but once you here his name you will agree. Rasheed Wallace. After Barkley left the NBA needed someone to fill his role as non-role-model player of the league. Ron Artest tried and was doing a very good job but then we realized he was just crazy. Rasheed Wallace became that guy. The all time leader in the NBA in technical fouls knows how to appease me with entertaining material. He was extremely good in front of the camera, always knew what to say during press conferences, and when it was crunch time Rasheed was always focused on the game. His post game press conference was the greatest press conference in NBA history, yes it is even better than Allen Iverson’s. I would say that it even challenges Dennis Green’s for best press conference of all time. The bottom line is, this guy would be a huge hit.
These five guys having their own show is all I ask. So someone quickly make it happen before I lose faith in the NBA entirely.
Author: Stuart Pirri