Turn that frown upside down


The Real Best Damn Sports Show

The greatest improvement that the NBA has made in the past 10 years was putting Sir Charles Barkley on TV. I am more interested in the pregame, halftime, and postgame shows than I am the actual game now. Chas Barkley was one of the greatest players to ever play the game. It’s a shame that he doesn’t have a ring and Darko Milicic has one. Although Darko does have the greatest nickname of all time, The Human Victory Cigar, because once he gets in the game has already been decided. Back to Barkley, any guy that gets pulled over and tells the cop that he was in a hurry because he was about to get some oral sex has some big balls. If that same guy then tells the cop he will tattoo the cops name on his ass cheeks if he lets him go probably has even bigger balls. So you can assume that Charles Barkley has a massive nugget pouch, which makes must see TV.

Of all the former athletes that retire and go into broadcasting Charles is by far the greatest to ever do it. Bruce Bowen, not digging the bowtie. Chris Webber, I use to think if a sportscaster got high and did a story it would be hilarious, Webber has proved me wrong. Jalen Rose, terrible but he did make me laugh when he called out Christian Laettner. Tedy Bruschi, Didn’t like you when you played for the Pats and I don’t like you now. The cast of Sunday NFL Countdown, whoop rumblin tumblin whoop whoop, can’t understand any of it. I will say that former coaches make some of the best commentators. Bob Knight, Herm Edwards, and John Madden, no wait I take that back Madden is awful.

I don’t know why ESPN keeps hiring these guys. The NBA on ESPN gave us a slew of hilarious commercials but they also gave Van Gundy another job. I can live without the commercials but I can’t go on hearing Van Gundy’s voice and opinions (Disclaimer: I use to like ol Jeff before he jumped on the Heat bandwagon and then hearing him talk during this past year’s finals was brutal). I ask for very little and very easily accomplished things in life. What I am asking for this time would be the greatest NBA show ever, and here is how it would be done.

Keep Charles on the show. This should be a no brainer. He has proved himself to be an entertainer and very knowledgeable. Now before I keep naming people that would be must see TV I would also suggest keeping Kenny Smith. Smith is not the best reporter and a lot of people don’t like him. But you see he and Barkley have great chemistry and can real bounce ideas off each other. They have fun together and it makes me have fun watching them.

So who would join them? First on my list is another obvious choice, I would like to see Shaq on TV as much as possible. He is a giant little kid that loves the spotlight. But you can’t keep Shaq locked up in a studio like a lab rat, you gotta let him run free. This is why he is out in the field doing stories and interviewing other players. Who wouldn’t want to see him interview Kobe and ask him how his ass tastes in person. Every now and then Shaq could do a little sketch, maybe have him and Ben Wallace have a free throw shooting competition. But whatever Shaq does you can count on one thing, it’s going to be good.

Now the show needs someone who has no clue what they are talking about because Americans love watching a show and then telling everyone the next day how dumb so and so is. They like to feel like they have better opinions and explanations. This is why Joakim Noah would need to be part of this show. Is there anything that this guy does that people don’t think that they could do better, except for playing basketball he is actually pretty good at that. Remember when the Florida Gators won the SEC tournament how hype Noah got? Just bring that energy to the camera and you get the Real World meets Inside the NBA on TNT.

Finally, my dark horse, the one who will make the show, the guy that no one thought of to put on TV but once you here his name you will agree. Rasheed Wallace. After Barkley left the NBA needed someone to fill his role as non-role-model player of the league. Ron Artest tried and was doing a very good job but then we realized he was just crazy. Rasheed Wallace became that guy. The all time leader in the NBA in technical fouls knows how to appease me with entertaining material. He was extremely good in front of the camera, always knew what to say during press conferences, and when it was crunch time Rasheed was always focused on the game. His post game press conference was the greatest press conference in NBA history, yes it is even better than Allen Iverson’s. I would say that it even challenges Dennis Green’s for best press conference of all time. The bottom line is, this guy would be a huge hit.

These five guys having their own show is all I ask. So someone quickly make it happen before I lose faith in the NBA entirely.

Author: Stuart Pirri


Ghetto Rat Pack

“Every time I come around yo city ______ Pinky ring worth ‘bout fifty ______ Every time I buy a new ride ______ Lorinsers on Yokahama tires ______”

If you appreciate good music or are a fan of classical music you would know that the words that belong in those blank spaces are “bling bling”. I remember when I first heard this song back in the day, and even as a kid with the snotty nose I knew that this might be one of the greatest songs ever. This song not only made millions of young white boys listen to rap but it put the greatest group of rappers to ever be assembled on the map. The Cash Money Millionaires not only had individually the greatest rapper to ever spit hot fire, Juvenile, but also formed the greatest rap group, The Hot Boys. I would put Cash Money up against N.W.A., Wu tang clan, Public Enemy, Tupac, and Biggie. For most people, they associate Cash Money with a modern day Lil Wayne. If you were to ask the average music listener to name a Cash Money song they would most likely say something that Lil Wayne has sang within the last 6 years. It truly is a shame that these rappers’ legacy is not getting the reputation it deserves.

Just look at the hits that Cash Money has produced over the years. Honestly, who didn’t try to back that ass up at the middle school dance? They were the group that was taking over that nine nine 2000. They taught us how to get our roll on. Most importantly Lil Wayne was actually better when the whole group was together. They rapped about what was important, yellow Vipers, yellow Hummers, yellow Mercedes, and yellow PT cruisers. Besides all the songs and platinum mouths Cash Money made a huge impact on the youths of the world.

Words, words, words.

There are literally thousands of sayings and words that Americans use that Cash Money either made popular or just straight up invented. Anyone else still call their bros “whoadi” like me? (Common misspellings: Wotay, woadi, wootay, and whodi). They made it cool to combine words like you and heard to form the word “yeard”. They made the word “HA” as gangster as that word can get, ya yeard me lil whoadi, HA? Ice was all of the sudden diamonds, not what I used to keep things cold. And of course there was Bling Bling. Many people don’t know that it was Cash Money, BG to be exact, that made up the term bling bling.

The Silver Screen

Then there was the movie Baller Blockin. I don’t know if you have ever seen this movie, and there is a very good chance that you haven’t, but it is a must see at least once before you die type movie. I don’t know if they even sell it in stores anymore but you can watch the whole thing on youtube.


The Rat Pack of the late 90’s and early 2000’s. These guys had style, class, dignity, and women, oh boy did they have women. The founding member is now more commonly known as Birdman but use to go by name Baby. By himself he can’t rap any better than Silkk the Shocker. But when Silkk the Shocker teamed up with Mystikal he actually made a pretty decent track, and one awesome music video. When Baby formed The Big Tymers with Manny Fresh he formed the greatest rap duo of all time. We’ve all heard Manny Fresh rap solo and would all agree that the guy should stick to making beats, but for some reason when he raps with Baby the music they make sounds heavenly.

Then there was BG. In my own personal opinion, and that is the only opinion that counts, he was the weak link. Talk about one strong weak link. Most people would disagree with me but other than Bling Bling I, and every other white kid in America, he never had a great song by himself. But how many championships did Brett Favre win? You see BG and Brett have a lot in common, they both only scored big once, both are considered to be all-time greats at what they do, and both come from the Dirty South (yeah, and you thought a dick joke was coming).

Lil Wayne was only fourteen when he started rapping with The Hot Boys, now 14 years later I actually think he has gotten worse. Lil Wayne is a very talented rapper right now and I enjoy most of his new stuff. I just wish it was more like Tha Block is Hot and Project B*tch. I will say that the one consistent that has lasted over these past 14 years is his voice has stayed the same.

Like I already stated, Juvenile is the greatest rapper to ever live. He was the front man and most recognizable member of the group. Words cannot describe his lyrical genius, so I am just going to stop. Wait one more thing, if you haven’t heard any of his music do the world a favor and just stop breathing.

The above three members plus Young Turk formed The Hot Boys. There is nothing to say about them other than when you put four of the greatest rappers ever into one group you get the greatest group.


Just in case you haven’t heard any of their songs, here are a few you should listen to so you are no longer ignorant.

Still Fly– Big Tymers
Project B*tch– Lil Wayne
Back that Ass Up– Juvenile
Bling Bling– BG
I Need a Hot Girl– Hot Boys
Get Your Roll On– Big Tymers
Tha Block is Hot– Lil Wayne
We On Fire– Hot Boys
I Rock Ice– Cash Money
HA– Juvenile
U Understand– Juvenile
Loud Pipes– Lil Wayne
Rodeo– Juvenile
Slow Motion– Juvenile
I Got That Fire– Juvenile
In My Life– Juvenile
Down Here– Hot Boys
Nolia Clap- Juvenile
Ridin’– Hot Boys

There are more out there, but these should be a good starting point for you.

Author: Stuart Pirri

Badass Tourny: Round 2

Let’s be real, round one was pretty boring and worthless. And by pretty boring I mean it was like listening to Hillary Clinton speak. Round two looks to a bit more promising. Norris vs. Roosevelt could honestly go either way, not to mention that two of the greatest American heroes of all time duke it out when Macho Man Randy Savage takes on Andrew Jackson. To my knowledge Macho Man doesn’t have any Cherokee blood in him, which means it’s going to be tough for President Jackson to bully him.

Chuck Norris vs. Teddy Roosevelt

This fight might as well be the championship. The most badass President of all time vs. the “people’s” champ. To be honest, a few years ago I thought Chuck Norris was just a fad that would soon go away. I would get so annoyed every time I heard another Chuck Norris joke. Then I saw an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger where Chuck Norris beat the hell of out Drake Sabitch. True, Chris Farley also whipped some Gary Busey/Drake Sabitch ass, but Chuck Norris seemed a bit more convincing in his showdown. However, Teddy Roosevelt is a whole other animal. Roosevelt once got shot and instead of going to the hospital he said “f that noise” (actual Teddy R. quote) and he ended up giving a speech with a bullet in his body. So how does this fight pan out? Well we know that Norris can give a beating and Roosevelt is one tough mofo. But what I didn’t state earlier in the paragraph is that Roosevelt can also throw down if he has to. My decision on who wins this fight is going to be completely bias and extremely patriotic

Winner: Teddy Roosevelt

Ash vs. Mike Tyson

I was told last week by my roommate Dave that I was an idiot for having Tyson over Bourne in the opening round. I tried explaining to him that as quick as Bourne is Tyson only needed to land one punch. Not to mention I would like to think that when no rules apply Tyson would go all psycho and if you put anyone in a street fight, and I mean anyone, against Tyson 14 out of 10 times Tyson is coming out as the winner. So when Tyson was put into the boxing hall of fame (along with fellow badass tourney participant Rocky Balboa) and Jason Bourne was left out of any and all hall of fames, check and mate mister Dave. Now let’s move on to this matchup. Tyson has the advantage in every category in this fight. He is faster, stronger, and more intimidating and if this was Ash from Evil Dead 1 then the fight lasts all of 3 seconds after Tyson punches him right in the larynx. But this is Ash from Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness, the one who demands that doesn’t take crap from anyone. This fight comes down to one thing and one thing only, sure Tyson can bite the ear pretty hard but Ash has a chainsaw for a hand. Without a head Tyson is not the same fighter.

(For those who don’t know, Ash got a mechanical hand in ‘The Army of Darkness” and said goodbye to the chainsaw)

Winner: Ash

Andrew Jacson vs. Randy Savage

I like this match up a lot. Jackson is the hero of my hometown and Macho Man is the hero of my heart. This is a fight that I can write a research paper on but I feel that no one would read it and end up just scrolling down and seeing who the winner is. That’s what you probably do anyway. Basically I would have to say that even though Macho Man was able to defeat the Hulk I just can’t give him the victory. Maybe I just have a soft spot for presidents because Jackson is the second one to go to the semifinals.

Winner: Jackson

Rocky vs. Maximus

How many times has Rocky been the underdog? He finds himself in a very familiar position yet again. Usually this means that it’s a given victory for Rock. Apollo Creed, Tommy Gun, Clubber Lang, and my favorite Ivan Drago were all favored and they all lost. I mean did anyone think he was going to last even one round against Drago? I mean Rocky was training with wagons and rocks and running in the snow. Drago was juicing up and had one of the coolest workout montages ever. Sure Rocky beat Apollo but Drago killed, literally, Apollo. The point being, Rocky is very comfortable as the underdog. Maximus is kind of like Rocky in his own way. Even though he was the most gifted gladiator he still had to come up and win the people’s hearts. As much as I want to say that Rocky wins this fight it’s time for him to get a reality check. He should be 0-5 in those previous fights but somehow he came out 5-0. Maximus put him in his place and then asks the crowd a simple question…

Winner: Maximus

So in the semis it will be Roosevelt vs. Ash and Maximus vs. Jackson.


Author: Stuart Pirri

Dethroning the King

When I sit down and think about what I should write about there are a few topics that I try to avoid. Not that these topics are inappropriate, edgy, or boring I just find them to be played out. Example: I love sports, it’s a topic that I am very knowledgeable on (or at least I think) and I find it easy to write about. However I will try to avoid a LeBron James post like the plague. Why? Just go to ESPN, Grantland, Yahoo sports, SI, or any other sports website and there are two things you will see every time: Brett Favre’s penis, and an article that has to do with LeBron James. Other topics include: Kobe vs. MJ, Barack Obama, and the BCS when it comes to college football. I try to choose topics that would be fun for the reader, hence all the lists about tattoos, hairstyles, and mustaches. But today I am crossing the line that I said I would never cross and I am going to attempt to write about LeBron. So I apologize in advance that this is most likely your 12th time today hearing or reading about LeBron.

A not too long time ago LeBron James was actually a likeable guy. Was there anyone who did not see that game 5 against Detroit? And just in case you never “witnessed” it, let me bring you up to speed. It’s one of the best examples of someone taking over a game, and what was so strange about this is that it was a playoff game. Scoring Cleveland’s 29 of their last 30 points and the final 25 points to lead them to a double overtime win. He then released his “The LeBrons” commercials, and his MVPuppets commercials. We were all drinking the LBJ Kool Aid.

Disclaimer: When referring to the “LeBrons” I mean the Nike commercials, not the cartoon. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? Had The Decision never gone down I think people would still hate him for creating this load of crap.

Just a few years removed from him carrying the Cavs to the Finals LeBron is one of the most hated people in all of sports. Some say it started with the loss to Orlando and then refusing to shake hands with the Magic. Some say it’s the way he just quit against the Celtics in last year’s playoffs. As a fan of basketball these things made me upset. Not so much the Orlando incident (Personally I think the media blew it out of proportion), but the way he essentially gave up in Cleveland really bothered me. Three months later LeBron cemented his name in the all time Villain list, well at least to Cleveland fans.


Every sports writer and analyst would agree that doing “The Decision” was the worst decision LeBron made during his free agency. Let’s look at all the things wrong with it. Now before people tell me that there was any good that came out of the Decision, like the 2 million that was donated to the Boys and Girls club, let me assure you that there was nothing good that came out of it. As for the money donated, it was nothing more than a tax write off. LeBron made more money than he “donated” on The Decision.

Second, there is a much better way to tell you “prospective” teams that you are not going to sign with them than going on national TV and letting them guess. When asked does the team you are going to play for know it yet, he answered with a yes. This was how he broke the news to all the other teams. “Well he never told us so I guess he is not signing with us.” Those teams, especially Cleveland, deserved better than that.

Third, there was how LeBron mentions himself in the third person.

Fourth, it gave us the worst LeBron commercial of all time, as if to justify his actions.

Even though just a couple sentences ago I said nothing good came out of the Decision I have decided to change my mind. There is one good thing that came out of this whole ordeal, this video being it. If you have a sense of humor I dare you to watch it and not crack a smile. Someone put a lot of time and effort in this video, matching up all the words to make it look like LeBron is actually speaking. (Warning: Video does have inappropriate language).

But what was done was done, and LeBron was officially a villain.


Once LeBron joined the Heat he went from Hero to sidekick. From day one it was D-Wade’s team. Remember Wade has a championship under his belt already. He was the man on that ‘06 Heat team, Shaq was still very good but it was Wade’s team then and it’s his team now. But when LeBron left Cleveland he basically admitted that he couldn’t do what Dirk just did a couple hours ago, he can’t win a championship on his own (can’t win one with Wade and Bosh apparently either). So when LBJ “admitted” this all comparisons of Jordan, even Kobe, went out the window. Those guys wanted to play against each other. They wanted to beat the best to prove they were the best. What if MJ had teamed up with Magic, Bird, Malone, Miller, or Thomas? He wouldn’t be considered the greatest to ever play, that’s what would have happened. I don’t want to get into a Jordan discussion right now but the way the Pistons treated him and the way he kicked their ass is what LBJ should of done with the Celtics… BY HIMSELF.

Disclaimer: Don’t you dare tell me, “Well Jordan had Pippen.” As good as Pippen was, HOF good, he was never considered a top 5 player in the league at any point in his career. Wade and James are both top 5 players.


If the Decision wasn’t bad enough there was the party that the Heat organization threw for Bosh, Wade, and James. Bill Simmons said it best in his article the other day before game 6, “We are one Dallas victory away from this becoming permanently funny.” My God was he right. This will be looked at as one of the most arrogant things to ever be done in sports.

(Before I continue I just want to point this out. Chris Bosh, especially when he played for the Raptors, looks exactly like Predator)


Just when people were beginning to say that he was the most dominate player in the NBA again. That the move to the Heat may have after all been the right decision. LeBron goes out on the biggest stage and lays one helluva egg. 8 points in game 4. 8 friggin points! Then he has the nerve to go out and mock someone who kicked his ass while being sick. The Mavs knew, especially after the game 2 meltdown by the Heat, that LeBron would crack under pressure. Had this been 1998 and LeBron was playing the Jazz, Bryon Russell would be a hero. If you can’t close out a game championship then you can’t be considered the greatest of all time.

Joke of the Finals: Never ask LeBron James for a Dollar because he will only give you 75 cents. He never has a fourth quarter.

Well I have ranted on long enough to at least why I officially now hate LeBron James. It wasn’t just one thing, it was a series of things. I will try my best to never write a full article on him again but if in 365 days from now the Heat happen to lose in the Finals again, well you know.

Author: Stuart Pirri

Making You Laugh

Everyone needs a good laugh every now and then to help distract him or her from how pathetic his or her life is. Someone once said that laughter was the best medicine. Well whoever said that either A) never heard of penicillin, B) was really poor and could not even afford Medicaid so they settled on laughter, or C) was just plain dumb. But I do think that laughing is good for you. There are many ways to get a laugh, and there is no right way. Some ways include laughing at the expense of others, laughing “with” others (nice way of saying I am laughing at your expense), watching a funny movie or show, watching a Nicolas Cage movie, a fat guy in a leotard dancing, and listening to comedians.

Personally I enjoy listening to comedians. I think it’s one of the toughest and most stressful jobs in the world. Making people laugh is hard, it’s even harder when the audience knows you are suppose to make them laugh. For some reason people like to be assholes and love it when comedians fail. However when comedians fail it’s even funnier at times. So if you choose to get your laugh from a comedian like me the first step is figuring out what comedian to listen to. Don’t assume that all comedians are funny!

example of a comedian failing

Here is a list of comedians that are sure to bring a smile to your face. I have listed them in no particular order because I always have a flavor of the week where I claim that so and so is the funniest comedian ever. But I assure you that every comedian on this list is extremely funny and at some point in time has been my flavor of the week.

Richard Pryor
A legend. Was named the funniest comedian of all time by Comedy Central. At his time he was the edgiest comedian to ever live, and his material is still popular today.

Rodney Dangerfield
Perfect example of someone who would make fun of himself to get a laugh out of others. One of the few comedians who was hilarious on stage and in the movies.

Mitch Hedberg
Comedians that only do one liners choose quantity over quality most of the time. Not with Hedberg.

Eddie Murphy
For those who only know Eddie Murphy as the talking Donkey in Shrek and as the unfunny dad in all those children movies then I feel sorry for you. Back in the 80’s not only was Eddie great on stage but he could actually act too.

Dave Chappelle
This man ruled the world of comedy in the early 2000’s. Very funny stand up, hilarious show, and Halfbaked wasn’t bad either.

Mitch Fatel
He once said in an interview that most of his jokes are about sex because he lets his penis do all the writing for him, well his penis is hilarious.

Steven Wright
Another one liner with a dry sense of humor.

Nick Swardson
If I could choose one comedian to party with it would be Swardson. The guy likes to have a fun time and would have me laughing my ass off the whole night.

Daniel Tosh
Ever since his show came out on Comedy Central his popularity has skyrocketed. This is a good thing because now he is awarded with more stand up specials which are ten times funnier than his show (which I happen to like).

Demetri Martin
An excellent writer (Daily Show, and Conan O’Brien) and also a very funny comedian. Don’t judge him by the movie “Taking Woodstock”.

Louis C.K.
If you like your comedians to be assholes then this is your guy.

Jim Gaffigan
I first saw him two years ago and I was so mad at myself that I did not know about him much earlier. All the good times and jokes I missed out on, thank goodness for youtube.

Bill Burr
He is currently my flavor of the week. I was told I would like him by a friend of mine so I checked him out and within a span of 24 hours I had watched both standup specials and watched just about every video of him on youtube.

I figure I have left you with enough people to choose from the next time you feel like watching some stand up. And just so I don’t take any crap from you for leaving out your favorite comedian here is a list that should cover it.

George Carlin
Robin Williams
Bill Hicks
Zach Galifianakis
Bo Burnham
Patton Oswalt
Jim Breuer
Chris Rock
Jim Carrey
Cedric the Entertainer
Norm McDonald
Kevin James
Dana Carvey
Andrew “Dice” Clay
Mike Birbiglia
David Cross
*I will not add Jerry Seinfeld because he is not funny

Author: Stuart Pirri

Ink in Sports

So far Kurt Rabbis has been featured on every list I have come up with concerning athletes. Unfortunately today’s list is about my favorite tattoos on athletes. And it really is a shame that he never stumbled into a tattoo parlor during his NBA playing career because I love including him in my posts. Tattoos can tell you a lot about someone. Who their baby mama is, what hood they are from, their favorite phrase/bible/rap verse. My freshman year in college during my very first basketball game there was a guy on the opposing team with the words Sonic Boom tattooed on the back of his arms. I wish I could remember this guys name and find a picture of his tattoos because that would definitely be number one on my list. I have rambled on long enough; lets get to the damn tattoos.

Mike Tyson
What would be a list about crazy tattoos without Mike Tyson. I have always thought that if you were not born in a tribe the tribal tattoo was kind of unnecessary. So when the greatest poet and entertainer of all time put one on his face, he elevated what is considered unnecessary. It’s also rumored that he wanted to put hearts on his face but his friend convinced him to do the tribal one instead.

DeShawn Stevenson
It’s hard to continue this list after seeing Iron Mike’s tat but then I remembered Mr. Stevenson and his neck. Which reminds me of a story: I had someone tell me that they want to get so many tattoos that they would become unemployable. Well DeShawn proved that it only takes one tattoo, not many, to achieve this.

J.R. Smith
If DeShawn Stevenson is on this list then so must J.R. Smith.

Brock Lesnar
This guy is already intimidating as it is, and having a tattoo of a knife pointing at his neck just makes him seem scary.

Brad Miller
Miller gets my vote for least intimidating tattoo of all time. Scrappy Doo. Really Brad?

Jeremy Shockey
Shockey’s American flag and eagle tattoo is my favorite tattoo on this list. For those who don’t know, I love America, and that is what this tattoo is. It is as American as it gets.

Chris Anderson
His entire body is one weird tattoo.

Shawne Merriman
Sometimes athletes develop alter egos that take on a life of their own. Earvin “Magic” Johnson claims that it was Magic who got HIV not Earvin. Ben Roethlisberger insists that it was Big Ben that forced himself on that woman, not him. Shaq, I mean Dwight Howard, no wait Shaq, ah screw it one of them dresses up as superman the other got a superman tattoo. But when Shawne Merriman decided to get a tattoo to represent his nickname it was a just a bad idea. Lights Out actually got a light switch tattoo on his upper arm. Classy.


Most Regrettable Tattoo: DeShawn Stevenson

Most Intimidating Tattoo: Brock Lesnar

Least Intimidating Tattoo: Brad Miller

Author: Stuart Pirri

Brews with Bro’s

Ok same with the last posts I’m going to throw a major disclaimer in this post… I mean lets be real people a list of famous people you’d like to drink with could go on forever and since were broke college students and cant afford the space upgrade I think we’ll keep the list fairly basic… Also you’ll find no girls on this list for two reasons… A) Bro’s before Ho’s B) If a chick can keep up with you when drinking either you’re a girl or she’s more of a bro than chick… Women hint we would like to get you drunk as cheaply as possible

Batting lead off for this list would have to be Babe Ruth… I realize some people might be scratching their heads at that choice, but let me tell you why… The great bambino is a man who single handedly dominated baseball for years and to this day is still considered to be one of the best players to ever play the game… People he dominated while rocking a beer gut that would make even the biggest redneck jealous… He had to put down his cigar to bat… He smoked, drank, ate unhealthy, and still dominated… Just think if he actually cared… Could you imagine the Babe playing in this era? Think about the babe sitting in the dugout smoking a stogie, drinking brew, eating a loaded dog, and who knows maybe even tweeting about… @TheRealBabe just took Cliff Lee deep now back to my stogie…  hope my dog isn’t cold…

Next up would of course have to be Broadway Joe Namath… I mean since were rolling with the rock star personalities who better than Namath… He’s a guy wore fur coats, had a bevy of women (read: playboy models) at his side at all times, had the biggest ego possibly ever, and is single handedly responsible for the creation of the quarterback as celebrity… He straight up guaranteed wins and were not talking about regular season wins he guaranteed they would win the SUPER BOWL and then went out and did out… He’s the friend you go to the bar with; he’ll talk a lot of crap to some random stranger… He’s that guy; we all know those guys and he’s a perfect example…

Sticking with the general sports theme… If Joe is the guy getting your crew in trouble this is the guy that’s bailing you out of trouble… Bob Knight… Want to talk about intimidating let’s talk ol Bobby… The man has pissed off every single school he’s ever coached for… He’s known for the most infamous play in all of basketball history… He’s the guy that picks up the chair and smashes it over someone’s back… If I had to guess I would say the man is mentally unstable… However if you think about all your best stories are from those times that the crazy guy in your crew of friends talked everyone into to doing something stupid… Crazy guys make for great drinking stories and their always going to have your back in fights…

Next would be Charlie Sheen… I know I know it sounds cliché especially with all the crazy stuff that’s coming out of his mouth… But stop and really think about it… We know a couple facts about Charlie… He loves to party, he can attract women (generally paying for them but he’s still getting women), he is constantly winning so you’d never have to get off the table, and most importantly he’s half tiger! Who doesn’t want to hang with half a tiger?! Let’s recap he parties, gets women, and is crazy… prefect combo to go along with crazy Bob Knight! Talk about your mental images Charlie Sheen and Bob Knight with Capri Anderson in a hotel room, with drugs and alcohol…

Will Ferrell… Everybody needs a good laugh when your out so why not Ferrell… The man dominates in the one liners… If you aint first your last… News flash I’m kind of a big deal… Frank the Tank… Need I say more… I mean talk about quotes you’ll be saying the rest of the night you have to include Ferrell… Plus the guy has balls I mean you go running around basically naked in half your blockbuster movies… takes serious guts especially for an average looking dude…

On the Fence…

George Washington… I mean he did basically create America… But he doesn’t lie… is that the bro you want to be your wingman

Brett Favre… One of the greatest quarterbacks of all time… But he’s the bro that would be constantly texting and just being really shady… just ask Jenn

Howard Hughes… Look him up… Can you say free flights and put it on Howards tab? On the flip side he was rumored to be a major womanizer… Just a thought you might want to keep in mind…

People I would avoid drinking with

Coach Wooden… The guy was one of the most successful coaches of all time and he didn’t splurge at all… He lived in a shack… You know what that tells me…. He aint buying the next round…

Wilt  “The Stilt” Chamberlain… The guy claims to have slept with over 20,000 women… Which means he’d get which one he wanted and you’re stuck with leftovers…

Vince Lombardi… I don’t want a long winded speech or worn out saying when I’m at the bar… Only way Lombardi gets invited is if its a beer pong tournament and I need an inspiring emotional speech to carry me to victory…


Author: Tyler Parish